Over the past few months, I have gotten some seriously amazing advice. I'm working on taking it now, but for those who care, here's some of what I've been told.
1. Stop trying to impress people with how smart you are. When I was 12, I went to a summer camp for nerdy kids (CTY, for those who also grew up in the 90s). Two pivotal things ocurred. I was in a biology class with 15 boys and 7 girls, and the boys (as guys do) decided to rank all the girls in our class my attractiveness. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Anyway, the girls obviously learned about this list, and let's just say that even at nerd camp, I managed to come in dead last. That same summer, though, I was at lunch with several friends when one of the guys said something (I forget what it was) and I gave some smart answer. (Yes, even at nerd camp, I was the smart one) This kid immediately decided he liked me, and proceeded to follow me around for the entire rest of the summer.
As kids, we often define our identity as a response to what we're not. My decision to be a "smart kid" was both a default and a choice. In school, I tried to take the hardest classes. I try to read as much - and about as many different subjects - as I can. But I also got into this cycle where I felt like I had to show people I met for the first time - and not just men - that I was a "smart person."
Then, a few months ago, someone told me "you don't need to prove to anyone how intelligent you are. People will realize that when they meet you."
So I stopped trying to do that, so much. And I found that they were right.
How does this advice apply to others? I think a lot of us - consciously or not - form an image in our mind of how we want to be perceived by others. And we're constantly working towards creating that image, especially in the minds of people we meet for the first time. But the problem with this approach is that it means that when you're having a conversation, you're fundamentally self-absorbed. You're always thinking about how the other person views you, rather than focusing on what they're saying or what you might be learning about them. So for me, learning to relax - and accepting that I don't need to prove myself to others - has opened me up to having much more genuine and fufilling meetings with other people. And I've noticed that they react more positively to that too.
2. Be aware of how you are actually perceived by others. I got this one in a professional context. I am an intensely internally driven person - I've always set myself stretch goals and struggled privately to achieve them, whether it's a new time on a morning run or learning a new language or writing a novel or perfecting a dance step - and by and large this is a good thing. I've always known how I see myself, and I assumed other people saw me the same way.
But that last bit is simply not true. For example, at my work, I think people respect how hard I work - I've gotten comments on it from a lot of people - but sometimes, they struggle to relate to that. Part of knowing how you are perceived is listening actively to what people say, even if that means asking obvious questions like "hey, when you first met me, what did you think?" Or asking someone you work for, "hey, what kind of responses are you getting from people on my tone and manner?"
Being aware of how other people relate to you is, I believe, one of the most critical skills a person can have, and it surprises me how many intelligent people don't cultivate it.
3. Talk less, listen more. I'm a talkative person, and I talk more when I get excited or nervous. Also, when you think of yourself as a "smart person," you think that means having all the answers. Recently, I've started trying to teach myself to be a more active listener - to ask more questions in conversation and listen to the answers - and I've learned a lot from that process, not just personally but also professionally.
There are very few traits that I think a brilliant leader must have, but being a good listener is, I increasingly believe, one of the fundamental ones. At the end of the day, we learn about the world from other people as much as from books.
4. Be more open. This isn't advice so much as it's something that I've realized over time. Some of the people who've made me happiest in my life are people who have forced me to be more open about what I want or need. Being open is one of the hardest things to do - we all want to seem invulnerable, and there are definitely times when being a bit more reserved is a good thing - but by and large the more open people I know tend to have happier relationships with others.
I recently told someone that learning to be more open was one of my projects, and he laughed and said, "the only problem with the word 'project' is that it implies that there's an end date."
Which may be true. I may struggle with all this stuff for the rest of my life. When I arrived in India, I had the usual early 20-something doubts about finding my passion and making money and doing both at once. I've resolved those - to an extent - or at least figured out a path that'll lead me to resolving them. Now it makes sense to think about things that might take more time and effort to resolve, but are equally important.
1. Stop trying to impress people with how smart you are. When I was 12, I went to a summer camp for nerdy kids (CTY, for those who also grew up in the 90s). Two pivotal things ocurred. I was in a biology class with 15 boys and 7 girls, and the boys (as guys do) decided to rank all the girls in our class my attractiveness. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Anyway, the girls obviously learned about this list, and let's just say that even at nerd camp, I managed to come in dead last. That same summer, though, I was at lunch with several friends when one of the guys said something (I forget what it was) and I gave some smart answer. (Yes, even at nerd camp, I was the smart one) This kid immediately decided he liked me, and proceeded to follow me around for the entire rest of the summer.
As kids, we often define our identity as a response to what we're not. My decision to be a "smart kid" was both a default and a choice. In school, I tried to take the hardest classes. I try to read as much - and about as many different subjects - as I can. But I also got into this cycle where I felt like I had to show people I met for the first time - and not just men - that I was a "smart person."
Then, a few months ago, someone told me "you don't need to prove to anyone how intelligent you are. People will realize that when they meet you."
So I stopped trying to do that, so much. And I found that they were right.
How does this advice apply to others? I think a lot of us - consciously or not - form an image in our mind of how we want to be perceived by others. And we're constantly working towards creating that image, especially in the minds of people we meet for the first time. But the problem with this approach is that it means that when you're having a conversation, you're fundamentally self-absorbed. You're always thinking about how the other person views you, rather than focusing on what they're saying or what you might be learning about them. So for me, learning to relax - and accepting that I don't need to prove myself to others - has opened me up to having much more genuine and fufilling meetings with other people. And I've noticed that they react more positively to that too.
2. Be aware of how you are actually perceived by others. I got this one in a professional context. I am an intensely internally driven person - I've always set myself stretch goals and struggled privately to achieve them, whether it's a new time on a morning run or learning a new language or writing a novel or perfecting a dance step - and by and large this is a good thing. I've always known how I see myself, and I assumed other people saw me the same way.
But that last bit is simply not true. For example, at my work, I think people respect how hard I work - I've gotten comments on it from a lot of people - but sometimes, they struggle to relate to that. Part of knowing how you are perceived is listening actively to what people say, even if that means asking obvious questions like "hey, when you first met me, what did you think?" Or asking someone you work for, "hey, what kind of responses are you getting from people on my tone and manner?"
Being aware of how other people relate to you is, I believe, one of the most critical skills a person can have, and it surprises me how many intelligent people don't cultivate it.
3. Talk less, listen more. I'm a talkative person, and I talk more when I get excited or nervous. Also, when you think of yourself as a "smart person," you think that means having all the answers. Recently, I've started trying to teach myself to be a more active listener - to ask more questions in conversation and listen to the answers - and I've learned a lot from that process, not just personally but also professionally.
There are very few traits that I think a brilliant leader must have, but being a good listener is, I increasingly believe, one of the fundamental ones. At the end of the day, we learn about the world from other people as much as from books.
4. Be more open. This isn't advice so much as it's something that I've realized over time. Some of the people who've made me happiest in my life are people who have forced me to be more open about what I want or need. Being open is one of the hardest things to do - we all want to seem invulnerable, and there are definitely times when being a bit more reserved is a good thing - but by and large the more open people I know tend to have happier relationships with others.
I recently told someone that learning to be more open was one of my projects, and he laughed and said, "the only problem with the word 'project' is that it implies that there's an end date."
Which may be true. I may struggle with all this stuff for the rest of my life. When I arrived in India, I had the usual early 20-something doubts about finding my passion and making money and doing both at once. I've resolved those - to an extent - or at least figured out a path that'll lead me to resolving them. Now it makes sense to think about things that might take more time and effort to resolve, but are equally important.
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