I've gotten a new house, a new job and even some new friends - most of which have been good. The job keeps me busy, although not too busy to note the weird capers of the insects nearby, which I might post about later.
I've also done something that I've been meaning to do for a long time, which is get a membership to the fancy gym across the street from my old office. This gym is almost certainly overpriced, but for the few brief moments I'm sweating inside it, I really feel like I'm back in America. The showers are my favorite part of the experience. They have an endless hot water supply. I can stand under the spray and boil myself like a lobster, never worrying about the hot water heater. There's even a terrace with a free Diet Coke dispenser. There's a good chance I'll stop paying rent and move into one of the paneled wood lockers.
But the gym isn't all fun and games. If there's one complaint I have with this gym, it's that the treadmills are too close to each other. Yesterday, I managed to get around this problem. There weren't very many people there, and those who did observed one of the cardinal unwritten rules of gym-going - if there are three treadmills, and a person is using the right-most one, always, always leave a gap and take the left-most one. Don't ever take the center treadmill. Taking the center treadmill is like leaving your cell phone on in a movie theatre - bad things might happen. People might pelt you with popcorn and stones. And the management would only stand by supportively.
Two of the men I met at the gym this morning didn't know this rule. I was on the treadmill, savoring the recycled breeze through my hair, swinging my arms, and watching Star Trek on the nearby flat-screen TV.
I was very happy. I felt a small shift as someone came and took the treadmill to the right of me. Suddenly there were two of us. Swinging our arms, savoring the recycled breeze, and watching Star Trek. My happiness was marginally reduced.
Then the unthinkable happened. Even though there was an entire row of nearly twenty empty treadmills, someone came and took the treadmill to my left. My happiness was gone, replaced by a mild and growing paranoia.
My fears were soon justified. For several minutes we worked out in unison. I couldn't really feel the breeze anymore, but that wasn't the worst of it. Soon enough, something far more noxious made its way over to me. An odor. At first, it was just a slight tang in the air. Something slightly sour, slightly off.
I sniffed surreptitiously and kept walking, although at a somewhat slower pace. Unfortunately, the odor began to grow in intensity. It went from being a tang to being a stink. I raised my hand to cover my nose, pretending it was a tai-chi exercise. The people to either side of me seemed to notice nothing.
It was unmistakably the smell of someone who had not showered before coming to the gym, and perhaps for several days before that. Was it coming from me? Still pretending to practice tai-chi, I tried to sniff. As far as I could tell, it wasn't me. But what if it was me, and I just didn't notice? Didn't Freud say that people always enjoy their own odors? What if I was the one stinking up the gym for everyone? What if the people to either side of me were marching resolutely forward, smiles plastered on their faces, thinking, God, this girl reeks.
It became unbearable! My workout wasn't due to end for another ten minutes, but I began to plan an escape route. What if I switched to an elliptical? There was no one there. But I didn't want to use an elliptical. What if I just made a face and left, letting the stinker know what I thought of them? But what if the stinker was me??
After a few minutes, the stench overwhelmed my subtle strengths. I fled the scene, abandoning my workout and dovetailing it to the locker room, where I marinated in an abandoned corner and breathed deeply, convincing myself that I smelled okay. I showered, scrubbed and put on extra perfume. When I finally emerged to go to the office, I saw a strange sight.
The two people were still there. Still running. They did not appear to have been affected at all. (And yes, one of them was wearing a turban.) If there was something awful hanging in the air, their faces gave no indication of it.
And that is why it is always advisable to leave a gap on the gym equipment. They should put it on a sign. Not that it would make any difference. The current sign says "PLEASE WIPE DOWN THE EQUIPMENT AFTER USE" but I have never seen anyone wipe down anything. I've never seen wipes, either. I think that sign is meant to make people feel better, or to ward off lawsuits. Now that I think about it, even my nice gym is probably gross. That's depressing.
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