Two Weddings and A...

Everyone loves Hindu weddings. I'm not exaggerating - I've never spoken to anyone who went to one and didn't like it. In the past two weeks I managed to worm my way into two different joyous occasions, despite knowing neither the bride nor groom at either. This is okay. At most Hindu weddings, the bride and groom are not the main attraction anyway.

The first wedding I went to was in one of the nicest restaurants I've ever seen - complete with three tables of food, fancy topiaries, and strings of lights. It was in a venue near the local racecourse, and the groom's family were Non-resident Indians (like me). The second wedding was of the brother of a girl who works as a maid in a fancy apartment building. It was in a hall in central Mumbai.

Despite the difference in these people's backgrounds, the weddings themselves did not feel that different. This is because of the structure of weddings.

The average Hindu wedding is huge. Only the most misanthropic families would have fewer than 200 guests in their party. On average, at least 500 people attend. Village weddings are the best, because the entire town turns out to celebrate. On this occasion, the bride and groom present clothes to everyone in the village, and provide a three-day feast for all and sundry. No wonder weddings are such a bonanza! (And no wonder the expenses are famously backbreaking)

The average Hindu wedding (and by the way, I say "Hindu" wedding where most of the popular press would say "Indian" wedding. This is because many Indians are Muslims, Christians, Jews, etc, and their marriage traditions are entirely different) features three full days of entertainment. The headline events are the mehendi, the sangeet and the ceremony itself. The mehendi is a women's function, sort of like a bachelorette party for the entire family. In the past, men were barred. Mehendi is the Hindi word for henna, and no bride would be fully dressed without her elbow-high sleeves of henna tattoos. While the bride gets her painstaking mehendi done, the other girls also get less elaborate henna tattoos. Everyone eats delicious catered food. Sometimes, after the work is done, there's a dance party, where the women of both families get to know each other and sing and dance.

For the sangeet, groups of friends and family put together an evening's entertainment for the bride and groom. A particularly flamboyant and gregarious cousin gets appointed the Master of Ceremonies, and the bride's sisters and cousins always do a long dance number. There are often long skits featuring dances and slide shows, most roasting either the bride or the groom. Embarrsasing pictures of the about-to-be-newlyweds are produced and demonstrated. Odd childhood habits are revealed, occasionally to laughter. In recent years upper-class sangeets have taken on the quality of Vegas acts. Some families hire professional choreographers. The purpose, ostensibly, is to let the young people of the family get to know each other. The hidden agenda is to show off all the young boys and girls of semi-marriageable age, with an eye to arranging yet another union. Needless to say, more stage-shy kids find the sangeet a gut-wrenching affair. Children get nervous to the point of vomiting, adults hyperventilate at the thought of singing in front of 500 strangers. This is part of the fun.

After all this, the ceremony is almost a let-down. On the third day, the bride and groom exchange garlands of flowers and sit on a dais. Their parents, who sometimes have a part in the ceremony, sit with them. The rest of the guests meander in and out while the priest goes on for hours in Sanskrit. Many people don't pay attention to the ceremony itself. It's neither rude nor uncommon for guests to wander out to use the restroom, or to have conversations among themselves. The structure of the ceremony depends on the religion and sect of the bride and groom. Some brides wear red, others wear white. Some wear saris, others lenghas. Some couples take seven ritual circles around a sacred fire, others simply recite vows in front of a painting. Nowadays, many couples exchange wedding rings.

Why does a Hindu wedding take so many days? The answer varies depending on who you ask. Many rituals trace their roots to the village, where bigger bashes meant greater status in the village. But there are other customs at work. In some traditional families, a girl leaves her family on her wedding day and becomes part of her husband's family. From then on her parents-in-law are her parents. When she returns to her parents' house for visits, it's as if she is an outsider. That's the theory. So parents throw elaborate weddings because the wedding is their goodbye party for the girl they've raised.

But the real reason, I suspect, has something to do with the structure of village life itself. I've been in villages, and I've seen people going out to the fields day after day at dawn and coming back exhausted at sunset. The life of a farmer is a difficult one, and any occasion to celebrate is a welcome and much-anticipated relief from the routine.

In much of rural India, people know and rely on their neighbors as their family. It's impossible not to in a world where many doors don't have locks, and some doorways don't even have doors. This manner of communal living means that people become part of each other's daily lives. A wedding is not just about joining two people, it's about bringing together two villages and two communities. Events like the mehendi and the sangeet are just as important as the ceremony. Although there is no priest and no vows, these days represent a joining as well, the joining of the women in the families, or the young people. In many modern Indian weddings, especially among urban Indians, there exists a fine tension between the family and the individual. There is no antagonism to this tension, because the two are not (usually) at odds with each other. But still, no matter how much the bride and groom try to make the wedding "theirs," it always belongs to the guests as well.